28th August 2006 (The Dilemma)

i'm at crossroads..... or maybe its the shisha gettin to my head..... lol! but seriously.... i bet you ppl must have experienced what i'm experiencing rite now.... the sense of elation of seeing someone even if its just a name on a screen... even for a few seconds.... the sense of anticipation of the next time you cross paths.... the enigma of online based relationships.... close yet far... intimitate yet vague.... well its happened to me... i dunno how and why but its happened....

it all started off with just a friendly game among strangers..... a meeting of chance.... we soon started to talk more... played more games... departed after exchanging contacts... thought nothing of it.... no harm done right? what are the chances of meeting up and talking again? very slim.. but it happened... we played again... this time for a long period.... a lot more talking... a lot more laughs... it must have been at least 5 hours that we played... maybe it was more.. i couldnt feel the time... it just wizzed by.... after the fourth time..... things got serious.... we continued playin together.... even though my friends and ger friends were around and calling us for a game... we went on our way... it was strange at first but it soon felt soooo right... we became a great combination.... when playing with others around we showed our best game but between ourselves, we just relaxed and had fun.... even though we havent meet face to face, we felt like we know each other well enough... whenever the other is online, it only takes a few seconds before a simple "hi!" pops up... she went online just to look for me.. and so did i.... then she did something out of the blue... she saw that my character didnt have much items to show for, so she gave me a gift... quite an expensive gift... it caught me by surprise.... all i could say was thank you... to most people, that would have been the end of it... she would have just disappeared or completely ignored me most of the time.... but.... it still went on.... she gave me the gift on saturday and said she'll see me next friday..... but on monday... she went online at her cousin's house, even though she didnt need to, and came looking for me for a few games.... luckily i just signed in at the same time... her presence caught me by surprise... but alas, i had to decline because i had things to do... secretly i wished i didnt have to go but, duty calls... when i finally finished, i went back online to look for her but to no avail... she went offline.... but she left a msg behind, "i'll see you this friday ya?? bye2!!"..... haiiiiiii........ why cant i wait??? i cant even be bothered to play games without her around....

the gift.... the attention.... is it all just plain... friendship? maybe... being a pessimist myself, i cant see any of this meaning anything.... a part of me want to believe.... is it wrong??? thats the dilemma....

"Can't Wait" - Yuki Hsu & Yoo Seung Jun

When I hear your voice over the line.
All I wanna do is to keep you on my mind.
I only had one thought. How long?

Don't wanna play the fool.
How did we end up like this baby?
Just wanna play it cool.
I knew I'd always promise.
Won't you tell me baby boo what you want what you need maybe,
I'll be the one that you need till I die baby.
Let me tell you about the things that you don't realize,
so let me televize my love so you can fantasize.
Conjuction-Function but look at the situation.
Don't waste time let's have a conversation.
It's kind of sad but that's our only option.
Let's keep it down low till I get there uh

Yuki :
Lian er duo dou zhong la
hua shuo tai duo sheng yin dou ya le
bao zhe dian hua you dian ai kun hai she bu de gua

Yeah,that's how it is ,as I keep on reminess,
you know I keep it real oh yes
we've got to deal with this, but I'm sick of this, bullshit
acting stupid for the Show-biz Gee-whiz
but wait I'll be there, when I'm done with this

Yuki :
Wo zuo tian shui tai wan xiang ni xiang dao san dian ban
zao shang cong cong mang mang wang de wang xing guo de yi tuan luan
hen rong yi bu nai fan
zong xian shi zhong zou de na me man
xiang you ping chang xin tan lian ai you dian nan

Xian zai jiu xiang ma shang jian dao ni jiu xiang ma shang kao zhe ni
bie shuo yi tian jiu lian yi miao dou kuai deng bu ji
ni shuo ni ye ke wang jiang re qing zu yi suo huo jian na kuai di
sui ran kua zhang hai shi gan jue tian mi mi

My heart is always with you even though we're apart baby.
I know you're sad and blue but that can't take us apart.
Get away from the dark baby come and see the light.
Yuki,in my dream I could with in my Mitsubishi.
But times going, going are gone it's gone
like the wind that can't stop, but stop not at the bus stop,
you and my drop top.
Yeah put time in lock.That's right.
You and me baby messing around in the parking lot.

Xiang zhu wo

Don't wake me up.
Take the time to explain my mind ???

Gen zhu wo

You so fine I wanna make you mine

Zhi xiang yong yuan zai yi qi

Can you be with me?
Live in luxury,and we be making precious history.
I keep your picture by my bed so I can know you're in my head.
Take my hand by your hand,and I will always be your man.
You gotta trust in me like I would trust in you,
Baby close your eyes and my love will see you through.

Yuki :
Zong you ren bu xian fan
zhao ni you guo lai da shan
mei ci dou hui rang wo te bie xiang ni jue de hao gu dan
yao yuan de ju li jiu you bu an duo zai xin li zhuan
jin ye yue liang wan wan xin qing you dian lan

Xian zai jiu xiang ma shang jian dao ni jiu xiang ma shang bao zhe ni
bie shuo yi tian jiu lian yi miao dou kuai deng bu ji
deng dai dui ai lai shuo xiang ku xi
que yong you shen qi de mo li ta
hao rang jian mian zai tian ye dou bu hui mi

If you keep this in your mind, we will make it through this time.
You will find, it's a sign, it's written in my rhyme.
Even though we are apart, you are always in my heart.
Honey stay with me forever and through any thing endeavor.
Can we make it through this phase,
I will see you through this maze.
If you put your faith in me,happy ending it will be.
That's a promise Yuki,have a little patience,
and in time, you'll see.

hhmmmmm................ even i myself is unsure of hat is going to happen in the future.... in my last post i mentioned a new chapter, a new beginning... the girl in that post has not said or done anything.... am i to blame? i suppose yes.... but its still left to time... only time can tell... on one hand, there's this blossoming friendship... on the other hand, there's this fading, almost non existent relationship... which would you choose???

Ni Bu Zai (You Are Not Here)

Dang shi jie zhi sheng xia zhe chuang tou deng
Ni na bian shi zao chen yi jing chu men
Wo ce shen gan dao ni zai zhuan shen
Wu shu mo shen ren
Zheng zai deng xia yi ge lu deng
Yi zai cuo shi bi ci cui ruo de shi fen
Bu guo ke wang yi ge wen de yu wen
Wo guan le deng
Hei an ba wo bing tun

Ni bu zai
Dang wo zui xu yao ai
Ni que bu zai
Wu ji deng dai xiang du bai de nan ai

Ni bu zai
Gao xing hai shi bei ai
Ni dou bu zai
Wo shou le shang zai tou tou hao qi lai
Dan ni bu zai
Bu zai

Shi jian zai an xia xu duo ci kuai men
Chen muo li ting jian zhuan dong de miao zhen
Yi ge ren chi fan zhe ge qing chen
Gu du yi ren fen
Ni di shen shuo ni you bie ren
Wo de hua tong zhi you zi ji de ti wen
Zen yang ren zhen ye bu yi ding cheng zhen
Ni shuo de dui
Wo bu de bu cheng ren

Na xie yao bai
Wo dou ming bai
Dou ming bai
Dan ni bu zai
Ai yi bu zai
Bu zai

Ni bu zai
Dang wo zui xu yao ai
Ni que bu zai
Yi ge ren fen shi liang jiao de lian ai

Ni bu zai
Gao xing hai shi bei ai
Ni dou bu zai

Xiang kong qi ban bu cun zai de cun zai
Zai mei you hen ji de ai
Ni bu zai
Dang wo xu yao ni de ai
Ni bu zai

You are not here..... thats why this has happened... i'm being pulled away... is this what you want?!?! misscalls are not replied, eye contact avoided....... again, only time can tell..... its not your choice, mine or anyone..... all we can do is wait......... if it were up to me i'd rather stay with you dear...... hmmmmmm....... time moves slowly for those who wait...... and i have been waiting for a long time........ my god..... why is this happening to me....... please... i beg of you... please give me peace of heart, mind and soul.... i feel that i dont have much time left in this world..... its the feeling that only the individual themselves can feel..... please.........

26th August 2006 "I'm fed up!"

i'm fed up.... thats the title of a song by a french singer, Alizee... in french they say j'en ai marre... listening to it, it gave me some truth about somethings in my life.... the song is sang for and meant for girls... here's the full lyrics of it..

Bubbles and water
Legs up for hours
My goldfish is under me
To bathe for hours
Makes my mouth water
I’m “foamely” ecstatic

It’s not a problem
I lazy ‘round
Bubbly and stubborn
I lazy ‘round
Melon and water
Is just a dream
It makes me wonder
Is it a “sin” ?

Bubbles and water
Legs up for hours
“Bombs”, you keep away from me!

Today lying low
Twisting up my toes
I swim in such harmony
So what bothers me:

Chorus :
I’m fed up with loneliness
With my uncle overstressed
Fumbling, crawling for something
That never shows, just a dream.
I’m fed up with creeps crying
Over the past, such a sin
Not to be cool, but a fool
If I could mess up their rules.
I’m fed up with your complaints
Baby, well I’m not a saint!
Fed up with the rain, the plane…
That makes me throw up again.
I’m fed up with all cynics
Bathing caps and all critics
I’m fed up with being fed up! Poor me !

Bubbles and water
Legs up for hours
My goldfish still under me!
Delight of pleasures
Aquatic treasures
A place out of misery, my fantasy

Chorus :
I’m fed up with loneliness
With my uncle overstressed
Fumbling, crawling for something
That never shows, just a dream.
I’m fed up with creeps crying
Over the past, such a sin
Not to be cool, but a fool
If I could mess up their rules.
I’m fed up with your complaints
Baby, well I’m not a saint!
Fed up with the rain, the plane…
That makes me throw up again.
I’m fed up with all cynics
Bathing caps and all critics
I’m fed up with being fed up! Poor me !

I’m fed up with loneliness
With my uncle overstressed
Fumbling, crawling for something
That never shows, just a dream.
I’m fed up with creeps crying
Over the past, such a sin
Not to be cool, but a fool
If I could mess up their rules.
I’m fed up with your complaints
Baby, well I’m not a saint!
Fed up with the rain, the plane…
That makes me throw up again.
I’m fed up with all cynics
Bathing caps and all critics
I’m fed up with being fed up!

well, at first glance it might seem like a very dirty song... to be honest, i practically laughed when i heard the english version of this song.. the french one sounded nicer but since i was curious of what she was singing about... well you get the picture.... lol! for all of you out there who cant be bother to contemplate what i meant about the truths about this song... it would be my pleasure to enlighten you... the important piece of the song is the chorus... notice that the chorus is sang over and over? once you read it over, its not that hard to realise the meaning of it... i'm fed up with being fed up.... its about someone who is fed up with people judging, criticising, forcing someone to do things that they dont want to... its also about being able to be who you are and making people understand that you are what you are.... nothing could change that.... unless god wills it....

for all of you who were curios enough to check this song out... the video is pretty sexy and hot... i mean seriously hot.... turns out this girl alizee is actually quite young and quite married at the age of 22...with one kid mind you... what makes it even wierder is that a fren of mine did mention her name to me a few years back... quite a coincedence eh?

even though the song is clearly meant for girls, i cant help but feel that i have the same point of view... why do people criticise? why do people judge? why do people force? is it our nature to have that sort of tendencies towards others? why do we tend to try our best to affect others to bend to our will?? i've met and known people who are like that... they live by the rule "its my way or the highway"....their reasons for doing so? "do onto other before it is done onto you".... so does that mean, you must do harm to other before they can do harm to you?? thats a question no one can answer... humans are very complicated creatures... some people do the darnest things to get attention... the stunt done onto me left me speechless... i still cant comprehend her feelings... is it mere coincedence? i hope so... i dont like being the cause of pain... it weighs on my soul like an anchor... bringing me down...the seven sins.. superbia (hubris/pride), avaritia (avarice/greed), luxuria (extravagance, later lust), invidia (envy), gula (gluttony), ira (wrath), and acedia (sloth)... i've done my best to curb these from myself... being reserved.. as my mother would say, " dont be so kepoh about other people! mind your own business!".... i try to keep my nose clean.... when people are busy doing something or are with someone, i leave them be... turns out some people get the wrong picture... they tend to label me as being cold, hostile, offensive.... it cant be helped no matter how much i try.... we are human, thus we act like so....

my life now, is pretty calm.... managable responsibilities... relaxed life... however there is still an emptyness inside of me... a longing as some people would describe it... the need to have someone special in your life... its the kind of thing that cant be ignored cause it will literally eat your soul... some people say i'm too picky... i have to agree with them... when i dont the slightest feeling of love for them, it would just be a kind of torture for both sides... knowing that that person doesnt love you and the fact that that person is in love with someone else... i'm the kind of person who would do anything for that special person... not caring the price or suffering i have to go thru... the greatest gift i can give is my undivided attention.. not money, not luxury... i have a confession to make, here and now.... the reason why i left my ex was because she didnt want my attention... she was in pain of a headache.. i wanted to comfort her and help ease the pain anyway i can... but... she brushed me off.. when i got close she just ran away from me... imagine the one you care about practically running away from you and strongly refusing your help... now imagine that happening 3 times in a row... thats what happened.... i couldnt take it.. so, i broke it off... some people thought it was harsh.. even my mother thought so... but when you think about, if this is going to happen often in the future, which option would you choose?? living together, knowing that problems like this will be recurring and being powerless against it? i would suppose you could choose a fate other than that.... however, thats not to say that she was the only one at fault.... i too was at fault... my method of breaking up with her was harsh... i gave her the coldest treatment ever... i did not smile, i did not speak, i did not say hi, i did not do anything with her, towards her... nothing.... i can only imagine how bad i broke her heart... she wrote me a letter and included some pictures of us together.... i didnt read the letter for months nor did i look at the pictures.. all i could picture was her, running away from me.... everytime i saw that, rage boiled inside me.... finally, one of my frenz decided to open the letter and read it to me... out of impulse of rage, i burnt the letter and the pictures.... yes... i burnt them... stupid me... all i have left of our relationship was a shirt she gave me and a ring with an engraving on it... both gifts lost.... do i have regrets? yes i do, who wouldnt? she was a beautiful girl but she was not destined to be with me... after breaking up and it still holds until now... i have not been able to have a serious relationship... i have some speculation as to what might cause it but i'm still not sure... hav i been cursed? maybe.. it is gods punishment for treating my ex? maybe... now the feeling of longing is gnawing at my soul..... me being unable to quench it.....

as i write these words on this page, i keep on thinking about things that have gone in the past... the brave things, the sweet things, the stupid things.... thinking about how i couldve done better at this or that.... thinking about how i couldve prevented things from happening... thinking about the different life i would lead.... my times of need, my times of joy, my times of sadness.... these past few days have been very eventful... there is a special someone out there that made me write this post.... have i caused you pain?? have i been cold to you?? i dont mean to be like that!!! even now i'm still unsure whether or not it is really my fault... the truth is... i'm scared and angry at the sametime... angry at the fact that you didnt tell me in my face... scared of the fact that it is my fault to begin with.... the question is... do you want me, or dont you? i still want you and i always will.... the proof? i've not tried to or attempted to go out with another girl ever since i met you.... most of my frenz say its best to move on and i've tried.... god knows i've tried.... tried hanging out with more and more people.. i've tried not caring what you do and what your activities are.... but i still cant block you out... finally i just gave up blocking... gave up not thinking bout you...... i just cant... silently, i watch... this song reminds me of you...

You're just too good to be true
I can't keep my eyes off you
You feel like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much

At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you

Pardon the way that I stare
There's nothing else to compare
The sight of you makes me weak
There are no words left to speak

But if you feel like I feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you

I love you, baby
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely nights
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby
Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby
Let me love you

You're just too good to be true
I can't keep my eyes off you
You feel like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much

At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you

I love you, baby
And if it's quite all right
I need you, baby
To warm the lonely nights
I love you, baby
Trust in me when I say
Oh, pretty baby
Don't bring me down, I pray
Oh, pretty baby
Now that I found this day
Let me love you, baby
Let me love you

to those of you who are curious as to who this girl is.... that i shall not reveal.... time will do that... its time to start a new chapter.... whether this girl wants to be a part of it or not is entirely up to her... there is a fair chance that she might be reading this.... considering that we know each other... if you are reading this, know this... it was you who chose to remain frenz, i try to offer help anyway i can but most of the time it is refused, i try to get to know you but you refuse to talk, i gave misscalls but most of the time they're not returned, i gave msgs but they were not replied.... i'm constantly reminded of you... i need you... i've always needed you..... if this blog does not get aired, that would mean that i'm just too scared.. but if this blog does get published, that means i hope for the girl to give me a sign... anything... i want to be a part of her life... this post might be the corniest thing i've ever written EVER but thats just how i am.. a hopeless romantic... i hope to hear from you dear..... i really do.................................