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being in a pissed off mood is really not my style... i just realized something abt i tho.. am i expecting something in return by being like this?? is it really worth my time and energy being like this? it finally occurred to me that i cud just let this feeling go... bcoz the fact is.. its making me unhappy... it making me miserable.. its just pure torture...

that begs the question.. how did i end up in this mood in the first place? when i think abt it.. it was all just in my head... i made myself this way.. it was me that gave myself a reason to be pissed.. and it was me who choose to feel this way.. man.. it sucks to find out that the reason ur miserable is bcoz of ur mind...

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trust... what is trust?.... the more appropriate question would be what is distrust?.... distrust is when you feel that the other person is hiding something or not telling the truth... distrust is when you constantly wonder and imagine the things the other person does behind ur back... distrust is the constant nag in your mind that pushes you to question everything about that other person.....

why do i sound like someone with trust issues? thats bcoz i do have trust issues... i can imagine that there are people who have bigger trust issues... im not saying that i can match them, no... im just saying that the things that have happened to me have made me distrust people in a certain aspect of my life... relationships....

i have been lied to... i have been duped.. i have been ridiculed... and now... no matter how much i try.... i cant seem to stop distrusting the girl i want to be with..... everyday is a struggle... my chest tightens every time i hold it back... i clench my teeth.. my head start to hurt....

in the past, i would have destroyed myself... physical abuse.... mental abuse... substance abuse... anything to get my mind of it... and that always leads to the destruction of my relationship............... when asked why did i do it?..... all i had to say would have been.. "this is the only thing i can do to cope.... if i dun do this... i will die..."..... for several years, i have repeated that sentence over and over again.... knowingly abusing myself...

back then i didnt believe in god... in fact, i believed i was god... but now... i know that god exists... and he watches us.. always... he knows when you are lying.. he knows when you are sincere....

i have prayed to him... asked him for his help... for forgiveness... for courage... for peace of mind... for a kind heart... and for the ability to trust....

to deem us worthy of his blessings.. we are put to the test... the tests will be hard... but now i have realized that it is during that we should remember to pray to god and ask for forgiveness... and not whine and say "why god? why have you done this?"... because a blessing earned through trials and hardship, is more appreciated than one obtained easily....

dear god.... bless your servant for his body is but of flesh, his heart is weak and his mind is confused... bless me god with good health, a strong and kind heart and a sharp mind.. bless my family, my loved ones and my brothers and sisters in faith... bless your servant with the strength, courage and wisdom to overcome his times of weakness and doubt... and last but not least, bless those who have come before me, as if it were not for them, i would not have existed... amin...

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god give me strength to push through this madness..

god give me strength to push through this sadness..

god give me strength to push through this silence..

i pray to god for happiness..

i pray to god for kindness..

i pray to god for mercy..

forgive me god, for all my foolishness..

forgive me god, for all my sins..

forgive me god.. give me absolution...

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sigh... as much as i hate to admit it.. im not as confident as i seem to be... i have insecurities.. i have doubts.. i have worries... and sometimes, it just gets too much for me to handle... so much so that i had to go to great lengths to ease it... and on most occassions.. those actions just hurt me more....

i am but only human....

i am condemned to a lifetime of pain...

i am condemned beseeched by many to ease their pain...

i am the link to my own self...

i am able to see great things....

i am able to destroy many things...

i am but lost, in this place we call home...

i am the faith that keeps me alive..

i am the doubt that clouds my mind..

6th June 2010 [ Girl's Don't Know ]

여자는 몰라 [ Girls Don't Know ]

By FT Island

keunyeonun morujyo jeongmal morujyo

ee apeun sarang

na hunja sarangul hago

ddo ibyeoreul hago keunyeorul bonaeyo

jiuhgo jiweobwado

son kkut hana jiuhl su eobnun

naegen oojik hana bbunin saram

keunyeorul bonaeyo

yeojanun sarangeul molra

dodaeche sarangeul molra

keunyeonun sarang bakkeh molunun

nae mamul molra

yeojanun sarangeul molra

ee seulpeun namjaui sarangeul molra

keunyeonun ibyeol bakkeh moreunun yeojara

sarangeul molra

neon jeondae nae mamul molra

sarangeul molra

keuraeseo narul ddeona

darun sarang golra

jjiteojin nae mam banhae

keu mamkumdo molra neonun

neo bakkeh molra

nan keureon neo bakkeh molra

ibyeolun jal molra

keuraeseo sarangun

naege sangcheoro nama

onuldo niga ddeonan

pangei hunja nama

nanun neo bakkeh molra

sangcheoga hyungteoro nama

son kkut hana garil su eobnun

naegen oojik hana bbunin saram

keunyeorul bonaeyo

yeojanun sarangeul molra

dodaeche sarangeul molra

keunyeonun sarang bakkeh morunun

nae mamul molra

yeojanun sarangeul molra

ee seulpeun namjaui sarangeul molra

nan oojik keunyeomanul gidarijanha

eereon apeun sarangeul molra

eereon sulpeun sarangeul molra

keunyeonun sarang bakkeh morunun

nae mamul molra

yeojanun sarangul molra

ee seulpeun namjaui sarangeul molra

keunyeonun ibyeol bakkeh morunun yeojara

sarangeul molra

every time i hear this song.. im reminded of how sometimes girls forget that we guys have feelings as well.... we put ourselves through so much pain for someone... only to be forgotten and left alone....

most days i cant think anymore... i feel pain constantly.. like a tugging at my heart... not knowing what to do...

feels like im going through some phase but... i feel the need to talk or write... and so this is what i do.. i choose to write... my feelings...

god give me strength... to push through this... amin....