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trust... what is trust?.... the more appropriate question would be what is distrust?.... distrust is when you feel that the other person is hiding something or not telling the truth... distrust is when you constantly wonder and imagine the things the other person does behind ur back... distrust is the constant nag in your mind that pushes you to question everything about that other person.....

why do i sound like someone with trust issues? thats bcoz i do have trust issues... i can imagine that there are people who have bigger trust issues... im not saying that i can match them, no... im just saying that the things that have happened to me have made me distrust people in a certain aspect of my life... relationships....

i have been lied to... i have been duped.. i have been ridiculed... and now... no matter how much i try.... i cant seem to stop distrusting the girl i want to be with..... everyday is a struggle... my chest tightens every time i hold it back... i clench my teeth.. my head start to hurt....

in the past, i would have destroyed myself... physical abuse.... mental abuse... substance abuse... anything to get my mind of it... and that always leads to the destruction of my relationship............... when asked why did i do it?..... all i had to say would have been.. "this is the only thing i can do to cope.... if i dun do this... i will die..."..... for several years, i have repeated that sentence over and over again.... knowingly abusing myself...

back then i didnt believe in god... in fact, i believed i was god... but now... i know that god exists... and he watches us.. always... he knows when you are lying.. he knows when you are sincere....

i have prayed to him... asked him for his help... for forgiveness... for courage... for peace of mind... for a kind heart... and for the ability to trust....

to deem us worthy of his blessings.. we are put to the test... the tests will be hard... but now i have realized that it is during that we should remember to pray to god and ask for forgiveness... and not whine and say "why god? why have you done this?"... because a blessing earned through trials and hardship, is more appreciated than one obtained easily....

dear god.... bless your servant for his body is but of flesh, his heart is weak and his mind is confused... bless me god with good health, a strong and kind heart and a sharp mind.. bless my family, my loved ones and my brothers and sisters in faith... bless your servant with the strength, courage and wisdom to overcome his times of weakness and doubt... and last but not least, bless those who have come before me, as if it were not for them, i would not have existed... amin...