31st May 2011 [ faith, prayers and hope ]

what is written here does not represent what i feel all the time.....

it does not represent my main point of view in life....

what it represents is my feelings, my emotions, my thought at this precise moment... nothing more.. nothing less....

i feel as if i have been woken up from a strange dream.... a dream where i THOUGHT i was doing the RIGHT thing... it felt right.... it seemed right... but now i realize that there is fault in my thinking... i was, with a lack of better words... a stupid idiot....

i've done many mistakes in my entire life... and this recent mistake is something i did not intentionally do... however, the consequences that follow make it seem that there is a point of no return......

at this moment, i feel extreme grief... remorse, sadness.. a mixture of emotions that i have not felt in a long time... the emotions that emerge from making a mistake.... you might assume, as i have, that i am capable enough to not make such a mistake... however, you are, as am i, wrong..... being human demands us to make mistakes... whether we like it or not.....

at this point in time.... i feel regretful of my actions.... and i know and accept that what is done is done... you cannot change the past.... and i know very well that the punishment, be it by human hands or by god... is very, very, very painful.....

could i have prevented it, maybe... could i have reacted in a better way, of course... but be it as it may... this is the situation i am in... all that is left to do is pray to god.... have faith in god... and have hope that god will give you a sign, an answer or a solution....

if god gives me nothing... i will have no choice but to accept..... but i will do whatever i can to not lose this woman i am undoubtedly in love with.... because i believe that god guided me to her when i prayed and for that i must not lose her.... allah is merciful and allah has boundless patience... but what he gives, he can also take away.....

ya allah.. your servant is begging for your forgiveness... i have done a great wrong and for that i will accept any punishment you will give me O' merciful one... guide me to the right path ya allah... as you are all powerful and all knowing.. amin...